Burning notes from a woman's diary
Oh, it's been a long time since my last visit to you. There is a huge sea of everything that I need to tell and think about. I'm back, cats, and I don't plan to leave yet, but first things first.
I broke up with Dima.
Yes, it happened. Finally, this time for sure. He has remained a dear person to me and I will always worry about him. We write off from time to time and he has an operation soon. I worry about him like about any person I care about, but every day he moves more and more away from that part of my life called the "past". And, you know what? There's a part of me that's very happy about it.
I fell in love
No, the news is not good. There is no need to congratulate, sympathize. I do not know his real name, and he does not know mine. I don't really know anything about him, and sometimes it seems to me that we speak different languages. I am writing about him here only because I need to put everything in my head and try to look at it sensibly.
Well, let's get started.
From the questions:
Why does he call me kitty? It was annoying at first. I asked him not to use that word, and for a while he called me "sweet." Then I went back to the first option and I didn't correct it anymore. And I've already gotten used to it, actually.
Why does he need to communicate with me? When I asked why he was here, he replied that he just wanted to be here. He also once said that he was attracted to my voice and liked me. And I said I was in love with him.
And at all
Why do I constantly show him my weakness? I'm not used to it and I hate myself for it.
Is he really as cocky as he seems? No, seriously. He exudes an aura of self-confidence. Sometimes it seems to me that nothing can stop him. It scares me sometimes.
Why does he say that my voice is both bitchy and cute? For me, these things are incompatible and I sincerely do not understand. And why the hell does he like my whispering?
Why am I trying to get into his head? He's weird. Complicated. I don't understand him. He has some kind of unhealthy, in my opinion, sense of guilt and he cannot forget his first lost love. Literally dead.
Why did I stop seeing other guys? Absolutely completely. I ignore those with whom I used to communicate. I canceled a trip to the cinema with Maxim. I completely stopped thinking about my Wife. I don't check messengers except because of work and I hardly even think about Dima.
Why do I feel so comfortable with him sometimes? It's like I'm strung out every time I talk to him. I'm afraid of doing something wrong. But at the same time, during my tantrums, his presence in my bos is soothing. It immediately becomes easier to breathe and what was bothering fades into the background.
Why am I willing to let him do everything? I step out of my comfort zone in order to please him. I did something that I didn't even do for Dima. In a year and a half of a relationship. In two years of insanely strong, as it seemed to me, love for him. I'm being completely honest with him. I am ready to answer any of his questions and tell him everything he wants to know. It scares me.
What will our communication lead to? This suspense is killing me. We communicate, yes, it's great. And then? Are we going to be great friends? Are we going to share secrets and talk about my boyfriends and his girls? Or can I count on something more? And for what? And when? Why would he do that? Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to shorten the distance and leave our communication at the stage of light flirting?
What does he want? Communicate with me? Be my friend? Is he serious when he says he's attracted to my voice, or is this all some kind of long-running joke for him? Is he ready to let me into his life and will he ever be ready? I can't find an answer to these questions.
I can't find answers to any of the questions, but now, having systematized and prescribed everything that has been tormenting me for many days, I can say with confidence that I don't want to stop our communication.
In almost any course of events, the outcome is the same - my broken heart (funny, a month ago I was sure I didn't have one), tantrums, antidepressants, insomnia, problems with self-esteem and perception of the world. It was, we know, it passed. She's alive.
I'm pretty sure the best thing I can do is not to push. Do not try to get any answers out of him, do not take out his brain with your questions and tantrums. He's a grown boy, I shouldn't get into his life. If he wants to and sees fit, he will let me in. In an attempt to find the right lock pick, I can pick the lock so that it will never open. Neither he nor I need it.
So it's worth chaining up your demons and letting Chronos loose. sensuelas.com/nl/
I broke up with Dima.
Yes, it happened. Finally, this time for sure. He has remained a dear person to me and I will always worry about him. We write off from time to time and he has an operation soon. I worry about him like about any person I care about, but every day he moves more and more away from that part of my life called the "past". And, you know what? There's a part of me that's very happy about it.
I fell in love
No, the news is not good. There is no need to congratulate, sympathize. I do not know his real name, and he does not know mine. I don't really know anything about him, and sometimes it seems to me that we speak different languages. I am writing about him here only because I need to put everything in my head and try to look at it sensibly.
Well, let's get started.
From the questions:
Why does he call me kitty? It was annoying at first. I asked him not to use that word, and for a while he called me "sweet." Then I went back to the first option and I didn't correct it anymore. And I've already gotten used to it, actually.
Why does he need to communicate with me? When I asked why he was here, he replied that he just wanted to be here. He also once said that he was attracted to my voice and liked me. And I said I was in love with him.
And at all
Why do I constantly show him my weakness? I'm not used to it and I hate myself for it.
Is he really as cocky as he seems? No, seriously. He exudes an aura of self-confidence. Sometimes it seems to me that nothing can stop him. It scares me sometimes.
Why does he say that my voice is both bitchy and cute? For me, these things are incompatible and I sincerely do not understand. And why the hell does he like my whispering?
Why am I trying to get into his head? He's weird. Complicated. I don't understand him. He has some kind of unhealthy, in my opinion, sense of guilt and he cannot forget his first lost love. Literally dead.
Why did I stop seeing other guys? Absolutely completely. I ignore those with whom I used to communicate. I canceled a trip to the cinema with Maxim. I completely stopped thinking about my Wife. I don't check messengers except because of work and I hardly even think about Dima.
Why do I feel so comfortable with him sometimes? It's like I'm strung out every time I talk to him. I'm afraid of doing something wrong. But at the same time, during my tantrums, his presence in my bos is soothing. It immediately becomes easier to breathe and what was bothering fades into the background.
Why am I willing to let him do everything? I step out of my comfort zone in order to please him. I did something that I didn't even do for Dima. In a year and a half of a relationship. In two years of insanely strong, as it seemed to me, love for him. I'm being completely honest with him. I am ready to answer any of his questions and tell him everything he wants to know. It scares me.
What will our communication lead to? This suspense is killing me. We communicate, yes, it's great. And then? Are we going to be great friends? Are we going to share secrets and talk about my boyfriends and his girls? Or can I count on something more? And for what? And when? Why would he do that? Wouldn't it be better to stop trying to shorten the distance and leave our communication at the stage of light flirting?
What does he want? Communicate with me? Be my friend? Is he serious when he says he's attracted to my voice, or is this all some kind of long-running joke for him? Is he ready to let me into his life and will he ever be ready? I can't find an answer to these questions.
I can't find answers to any of the questions, but now, having systematized and prescribed everything that has been tormenting me for many days, I can say with confidence that I don't want to stop our communication.
In almost any course of events, the outcome is the same - my broken heart (funny, a month ago I was sure I didn't have one), tantrums, antidepressants, insomnia, problems with self-esteem and perception of the world. It was, we know, it passed. She's alive.
I'm pretty sure the best thing I can do is not to push. Do not try to get any answers out of him, do not take out his brain with your questions and tantrums. He's a grown boy, I shouldn't get into his life. If he wants to and sees fit, he will let me in. In an attempt to find the right lock pick, I can pick the lock so that it will never open. Neither he nor I need it.
So it's worth chaining up your demons and letting Chronos loose. sensuelas.com/nl/